March 17, 2006
This is a special holiday to me. My best St. Patrick's Day story was from 2000 . Kim and I were driving back from her parents on my Spring Break. We had been there all week and were going back to Louisville via Pittsburgh. We went directly to Mullaney's Harp and Fiddle (Uncle David's bar, yes the one I almost blinded playing golf for those who aren't family) with no dinner (this was bad). We could barely get in, but Uncle Brian let us in through one of the doors that wasn't open. We barely got in, but where we did get in was right by a beer portable that Kelly (cousin) was working (also bad). We were "stuck" there for the entire night, and it was a long night. We were drinking Killian's, but I couldn't even guess how many. At one point Danny or Donny (more cousins, they're twins and I don't know which one it was) ended up by us. He was talking to Kelly and she said something along the lines of "Aren't you gonna say hello?" indicating me. He asked "Who is that, your boyfriend?" She replied, "No its your cousin." Polietly leaving out the "you're an idiot", but it was completely implied. We proceeded to have what I can only assume was a completely incoherrent conversation. At some point near the end of the evening I decided it would be a good idea to do a shot of Jameson (this was by far the worst decision I made that evening and probably one of my top 5 worst decisions of all time). Shortly there after Kelly drove Kim and I back to Grandma and PopPop's. On the ride home Kim threw up out of the moving car (Kelly eventually pulled over). When we got to their apartment, Grandma was up waiting for us, and I don't remember much after that. In the middle of the night I had to unplug a fountain in the living room (I am sure that would have been amusing to anyone who could have seen it) because I thought it was going to make me sick. If I had gotten sick it would have had nothing to do with the evening's festivities, it would have been the fountain. I made it through the evening without incident, but spent most of my waking minutes in the bathroom. Kim recovered rather quickly and spent most of the day playing Yahtzee with PopPop, while he indulged in what was apparently one of his other favorite hobbies: completely f'ing with me while I had the worst hang over of my life. I don't remeber what he said or did, but I do remember that I would have rather spent the day recouperating in a dumpster full of broken glass. He had fun though. At some point someone took Kim back to the Strip to get her car, and I was finally able to drag myself into it around 7 that night. Needless to say, Kim drove all the way back to Louisville. I don't think I've been drunk on St. Patrick's since. Oh well, I'll always have that one to look back on fondly.
A short story I heard about Donnie(cousin)
Someone he was working with wanted to fix him up with a girl that he saw on a job he was working on. They stood outside her building waiting for her to come out. The guy told him she was really cute and he should ask her out. Well, out the building she came. Donnie said she was cute and it would be fine if we were in WV. It was Kate Dickson(cousin). Good thing he sees her a little more often than he sees you. ( He tells it much better.)
Danny,
Surely your memory is clouded by your alcohol induced stupor. I never knew Pop Pop to make fun of anyone. Clearly, Grandma would have gone into shock seeing anyone come into her home on the night of St. Patrick's Day in the condition you describe....that had never happened in this family before. To imply that either of my conservative cousins, Danny or Donny, were speaking incoherently is besmirching the great reputation they have worked to develop over many years.
Jamie,
You're probably right. Now that I read your comments, the whole thing does seem a bit far fetched. It must have been a dream.
AAGAHHAGHGHH!!!!@!11!! AAAAAAAAAGHHGAHGHHGHHGGHHHHHHHHHHHGHHGHGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK enough goofing on me! It's time to recall some other drunken moments all of you have had. So here we go...
Here are the top 10 things slightly concerning with the day:
If i am recalling the events of the following year's Indy 500 correctly it was quite eventful for all involved. I believe that all of you were shit faced by oh I don't know maybe 10:00 am ( that's being generous) there was a few key things wrong with things that happened that day.
#1- You ALL were hitting on a " hot" woman with one arm, you were calling her the one armed bandit to her face.
#2- The fact that you were so star struck by seeing Jim Neighbors that all you could say was "Hey its Jim Neighbors"- to his face.
#3- One of you was more excited to see "The Bachelor" than any of the girls. And I believed you actually jumped out of your seat and made sure you were the first to greet him.
#4- When leaving the most "VANFASTIC" 500 EVER, you all managed to find the most unattractive females at the event. Then you all proceeded to ask to have multiple pictures taken with them like they were supermodels. ( I have the pictures to prove it!)
#5- You all made "The Kahula Girls" wait on you hand and foot, all day.
#6- After torturing "The Kahula Girls" all day you asked them for a picture then after they obliged you kindly told them " Thanks now get your CANDY ASSES out of here!"
#7- After the race you all decided to give your commentary on what went wrong with the race.
#8- On the way home you decided it would be a good idea to strike up a conversation with a cop at a stop light, not remotely giving him the idea that everyone was totally drunk except ME! Thank God !
#9- On the way home it was insisted upon that we go visit a friend. Unfortunately someone took it upon himself to puke in the bushes in the front yard.
#10- by far the best idea of the day... When we had arrive home lets have another drink!!!!!
Let me elaborate for just a moment about #10 Dan decided it would be a better idea for him to just pass out . But everybody else decided to continue to drink and asked me several times to bring them to a strip club. I would say that it was on the verge of begging. Instead we decided to stay home and look at their pictures of The supermodels" and to make fun of Dan, because he was passed out and had been quite the source of entertainment all day.
#1- You ALL were hitting on a "hot" woman with one arm, you were calling her the one armed bandit to her face.
Incorrect. Just because your husband hit on The Fugitive does not mean we all did.
#2- The fact that you were so star struck by seeing Jim Neighbors that all you could say was "Hey its Jim Neighbors"- to his face.
Star struck? Please. It was a funny thing to say to his face, especially since Dan was pretty sure he was dead.
#3- One of you was more excited to see "The Bachelor" than any of the girls. And I believed you actually jumped out of your seat and made sure you were the first to greet him.
This is absolutely true and hilarious.
#4- When leaving the most "VANFASTIC" 500 EVER, you all managed to find the most unattractive females at the event. Then you all proceeded to ask to have multiple pictures taken with them like they were supermodels. ( I have the pictures to prove it!)
Again, just because your husband dry humped a couple of skanks in the parking lot does not mean it applies to all of us.
#5- You all made "The Kahula Girls" wait on you hand and foot, all day.
And?
#6- After torturing "The Kahula Girls" all day you asked them for a picture then after they obliged you kindly told them " Thanks now get your CANDY ASSES out of here!"
Funniest part of the weekend.
#7- After the race you all decided to give your commentary on what went wrong with the race.
Second funniest part of the weekend. I fail to see how this is making fun of anyone.
#8- On the way home you decided it would be a good idea to strike up a conversation with a cop at a stop light, not remotely giving him the idea that everyone was totally drunk except ME! Thank God !
I don't recall this. But wait, you weren't drunk? Then what the hell were you doing vomiting all over us? Go to your room!
#9- On the way home it was insisted upon that we go visit a friend. Unfortunately someone took it upon himself to puke in the bushes in the front yard.
Yet again, all your hubby. Coffee and I were fine. Well, except for the fact that Coffee fell in love while we were there.
#10- by far the best idea of the day... When we had arrive home lets have another drink!!!!!
I don't remember it that way.
I actually had to call Regan and ask about #8. He didn't even seem sure that it had actually happened. This leaves me fairly convinced that Kim made that one up. Hilarious, fabricated or not. Oh and Korf, about #9..."et tu Brute?"....dick.
Sorry Coffey, I shouldn't have thrown you under the bus like that.
I just remembered that the Kim puking on us incident couldn't have happened after Indy 500 because Regan was driving. And I think we all know that would have been well outside the realm of possibility. When the hell was it then? After the festival from the day before? But we left there at night and it was clearly daytime when this occured. Was it the year before? Oh, I think it was. Nick was there, wasn't he?